Moscow, Soviet Union, March, 5 2012 — The Ministry of Truth, KGB, Foundation for a Happier Tomorrow (RTS: FFAHT) and the Russian Scrap Metal Consortium (RTS) announced that Putin’s Tears signify a kinder, gentler Vladimir Putin to come.

“I give you my Kitten” one supporter yelled as he tossed a white fur ball into the air.

“Take my squirrel!” Another cheered lost in a state of rapture.

Today, on his first day in office President Putin is spending the entire day volunteering at a homeless animal shelter. Vladimir has announced that effective in two weeks all state business will now be conducted at the shelter aptly named: Дом для Потерянных Животных и Преступников  (The home for Lost Animals and Criminals).

When asked why such a move Putin replied: “I am just a big Russian Bear – a softy at heart. When I cry the Russian people cry and I hear their muffled voices.”

Recent reports from the major cities indicate that Putin came very close to losing the election.

In 666 different cities there were a staggering number of  incidents that almost cost Putin the election. Bus drivers taking citizens to polling places to illegally vote multiple times became lost in a vodka induced haze of socialist euphoria and Cuban cigar smoke. Crazy mad were the parties aboard the carousel busses taking drunken Russian voters to all the polling stations that could be reached before the voting stations closed for the night. It was reported that some drunken voyagers even brought corpses with them and could be seen high fiving late into the evening, playing cards, and dancing around bonfires.

One of the lost Putin “Nothing but Love” Carousel Voting Buses looking for a polling precinct on the Kamchatka Peninsula.

When the Kremlin was informed of the lost bus drivers special members of the elite Russian Spetsnaz Special Forces Units were dispatched to chopper in replacement Bus drivers. These drivers, not as savagely drunk as the lost 666, were given special permits that allowed them to run people over if necessary to get the carousel voters to as many precincts as possible before they closed. To the great common benefit of the Russian Motherland 266 people were mowed down by carousel busses and gave their lives to ensure Putin continues his peaceful reign.

“It’s a Happy Day in Russia” Putin proclaimed. “Trust in your government. Have faith in the police. Reporters – go out and report the truth. We have won an open and honest battle.  Just remember that 2 + 2 is 7 – and don’t you forget it. . . .”

Blarg Hunter: Norfkin World News