New Russia, Washington, DC, December 29th, 2016: President-Elect Gaius Trump gave Republicans a scare when he failed to show up for an intelligence briefing. According to Whitehouse staffers the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, went into total meltdown. Ryan was seen running around the House of Representatives screaming “Find that idiot. I can’t shut down Medicaid and Medicare without him.”
In an action that reflects the new mood in Washington, secret service agents tasked with keeping Trump safe underwent waterboarding by the RNC and were forced to divulge his whereabouts. Our news team managed to smuggle the image you see here out of Moscow using blind doves soaked in the blood of the American people. I guess this is in line with Trump’s pledge to “Make Russia Great Again.”
Our crews managed to corner the Donald at Trump Plaza located in Red Square. Even when provided with unrefutable evidence, Trump refused to acknowledge that he was out for a ride with Putin. The President-Elect responded to our accusations by claiming the picture was of two anorexic men from Hoboken sharing a moped.
Blarg Hunter – Norfkin World News
Image by Greg Palmer