New Russia, Washington, DC, January 20th, 2017: The deed is done – Vladimir “the Donald” Trump was sworn in as the forty-fifth President of the United States of Russia. Witnesses to the spectacle were amazed that his right hand did not burst into flames when placed ever so gently on a weather-beaten copy of the Bible. There was a twinkle in Vlad’s eye as if even he was surprised his right hand did not vanish in a puff of smoke and flames.

Immediately after taking office Trump’s Secret Service henchmen rounded up four people from the crowd and dragged them to the stage as potbellied drinkers of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Miller Lite whooped and hollered screaming “Lock her Up … Lock her up.” The crowd went wild when they saw what was happening. Fistfights broke out. A group could be seen gathering around a Greenpeace activist cornered by a mob of Trumpies. They watched as the activist was beaten to death with large jagged bones from baby harp seals by drunken revelers wearing vomit stained Make America Great t-shirts.

Vladimir Trump, holding a wireless mike walked to the front of the stage and motioned for silence. At this point, the crowd was out of control. Flames burned into the sky from toppled over beer carts and sausage vendors vandalized by attendees. That’s when Trump pulled out a revolver and emptied the clip into the air. That got their attention, and the crowd fell silent. During this brief moment of calm Vladimir Trump reloaded.

He motioned to the Secret Service to bring him the first person plucked from the crowd. Truth was brought forward. Trump put the revolver to Truth’s temple and pulled the trigger. Blam. Then Honesty, and Health Care, and finally Respect. Blam. Blam. Blam.

At this point, the large monitor on stage changed from slideshow images of the holocaust to these words:

Vladimir “the Donald” Trump – 45^th President of The United States of Russia.

That slowly faded out leaving only the number 45

Then 4 + 5 = 9

Then the nine flipped over and made a 6

Two more sixes appended to the end of the first 6 forming 666

A sudden loud roar from the sky forced everyone to drop their six packs, wooden clubs, Molotov cocktails, and knives. Everyone was speechless as they realized what they were looking at was hundreds of nuclear weapons launching into the sky.

Trump dropped to his knees and started to pray. The crowd followed.

Mushroom clouds were seen in the distance, and the sky grew dark, so dark you could not see more than a few feet.

The last anyone heard in the audience was Vlad Trump’s voice: “Thank you for voting for me. This is good, right? Very good.”

~ Blarg Hunter – Norfkin World News – Reporting from a Bunker Near You

Washington, DC, December 12th, 2016: Alina Kabaeva and Vlad the Impaler Putin announced the birth of their new baby Boy to a packed audience in the Kremlin’s new West Wing of the White House located in New Russia’s Washington, DC capital. “We have named him Trump, and this is good” proclaimed Vladimir with his feet perched atop a desk that once belonged to George Washington. In celebration, Putin’s Russian gymnast wife and America’s new first Lady Alina Kabaeva, leaped into the air and cartwheeled down the corridor and out of the office and just kept on going. The last anyone saw of her she was cartwheeling past portraits of all the past US presidents.

Blarg Hunter – Norfkin World News